Add to this that she and my dad (who had been seeing each other) over the course of a couple of months and broke us, got back together, broke up, got back together. She has already traded his truck & her van in for a brand new van for herself. She took some wrinkle cream back to the shop when she was about 85 to complain it had not worked. It eats away at me every single day. She whispers to him or says a few words or sentences, but thats it. While so many people say that life doesnt stop when a spouse dies, what so many people dont get is, the choices the remaining spouse makes not just affects them, but their ENTIRE FAMILY. I feel that he is not in the right frame of mind right now to even be thinking about a relationship. A little back story: My mother passed away from ALS about two months ago, and my father passed away when I was eight years old. I couldn't understand for a very long time what feeling this pain that never really goes away has done for me, but I eventually realized it has taught be to be strong, humble and bold. another woman. One thing I have learned, and that many of the above commenters have not yet accepted, is that I cannot predict how I will feel in the future. The only person responsible for your happiness is you. At this time of our lives we can make mistakes with relationships because we dont have the tools, awareness, and you become almost like a teenager, nave in some ways, excited about anything new, and different. People grieve in different ways, but we all experience the pain, the hurt, the images that will haunt us probably for the rest of our lives,(it will get a little better) the isolation, the depression, loss of direction, the anger, and the acceptance of what happened and the hope that things will be better in the future. You have every right to be feeling absolutely appalling right now having lost your Mom and with everything going on with your father and being told that you should cheer up because things could have been worse for your Mom is so uncaring. Posted on July 20, 2021July 20, 2021By JaneVock. Shortly before my dad died, I was having dinner with my cousin Brittany, whose own father had passed away just as she graduated from college. Its weird watching a 72 year old man act like a 14 year old. He read to her every night until she fell asleep. Dads new GF is an unemployed alcoholic. He met a nice lady this spring. Your mom isn't even 50 yet, she can still get a job and maintain herself. She calls him 3 -4 times a day wanting to know what he is doing or where he was. In the beginning, the hugs, I love you, were always done in front of other people. There was a lot more than that. Now his girlfriend tells him all he wants to hear all while on top of all this being a covert b word only to me, leaving only my dishes (like one) that was mine while doing others, or locking the gate I come in so I have a problem or saying how she hated her own mom, never has she attempted to make me feel better or talk about my mom, I hate her more than anyone Ive ever hated before. He proved he was a lousy judge of character and that once he had committed himself to her he would not let go. I hope in time you will be able to move on with the full support and blessing of those around you. No soon after my mom passed, my mothers 1st cousin started coming around. I believe in family values. I will never be close to Ellen. If your father wants to be in your life, the answer to all your questions is yes. In your case the perpetrator was your wife so perhaps with work you would learn to trust another again. I attempted to counsel my dad on the timing and the possible reasons he wanted to pursue this intimate relationship and the reasons he should wait. But, it has been tough. What will I do? she said. Now going shopping together, shes visiting alot, furniture shopping, he wants to buy her a necklace and tell her not to tell the other sister where it came from. My heart eyes goes way up every time she messes up our home, bleaching the carpet, breaking things cuz she mindlessly pulls stuff too hard or carelessly. After losing my mom and seeing my dads insecurities surface so quickly, I have begun to look more at him as I would a child. So, your parent is moving on and has found a new love. This wasnt his fault he found himself in this situation just as we all have. I wondered how he would ever be able to cope without my mom. Your mom is in a beautiful, peaceful place and exists in pure love. Thanksgiving is such a strong family time and you are still reeling from your loss. Love does not delight in evil but rejoice with the truth. But guess what? I am so sorry for your losses and the situation you have came upon. And in this time my dad has changed. Practice remembering hard, so that you still can when you're older. I am a little hesitant because not thinking about my dad is helping me to be able to go on with my life, and I'm worried that talking about my feelings will just make me think about them all the time. Ask her what paperwork/admin you can help her with. Sorry for all the misspellings above. My dad and his girlfriend kinda wait for my granny to die, then he moves her right in after making me get rid of my dog who then also dies in his new home suddenly. They are not asking their parent to not see this person, they are just wanting their parent to understand that they are not ready to accept them into their lives- just yet. Finally, we had a 3 hour discussion where I was able to say how I felt about everything for the past 8 years. Then I remember my mom saying the second wife always gets treated better after several of her friends husbands remarried after losing their spouse. Its a destination wedding and he has told her that he wont be able to make it because of work. John Pete is online at https://facebook.com/dailygriefquotes. But what he doesnt get is that I dont want to talk to him in front of her. How do I make peace with no longer having a relationship with my father and his lack of relationship with my daughters? I find it completely disrespectful and so demeaning to my moms memory. I signed up for bike rides and rode any chance I got. Knowing I cannot change the situation I have sometimes asked my husband to hold up a sofa cushion while I give it a good punch! With more time for our family to grieve and to have our dad, I think we would have had a much easier time accepting his new wife. Is this legal? I am trying to be open minded and accepting if this new lady, but at the same time I feel like my hearts being ripped out when I see him treat her the way he did my Mom. I wouldnt have even known, except I checked on the plan today to find it all for me to see.. She is also apparently data-greedy.and has used almost 2 gb of our shared 6 gb data in 10 days what the heck is she streaming? If love is measured in sacrifice then she despises him. I was out of town on business. The next morning i was woken up with her SCREAMING that she has NO privacy in this house. The fact that my dad feels that I should be grateful to this woman for everything shes done for me. Webmoving in with mom after dad died. Since we set the woman in icu, a world of my dad liked and suddenly at 53. And though hes a grown man who can make his decisions, the kids still deserved some consideration. Should I send death certificate to this son? My struggle has always been how to care for someone who is so self-sufficient. Unfortunately, due to the selfishness of the woman concerned, my sister and I are the ones looking after my father. This daughter has put so much stress on her daddisapproving of our relationship-its sick! This women across the street would come over often, and every time I was there just to be irritating to me because she knew we did not care for each other. I obviously dont know your fathers situation but I offer condolances for your loss. The consequences of your actions do not affect just you. But she likes shopping because it gets her out of the condo and provides her with daily human contact. over grown bushes, stuff left out every where, the house has an HOA and he is on the board and house looks like crap. We had no choice in this. Some of the step videos I see online would seem to warrant a degree in dance in order to stay on it- much less teach it. I still cant beleive it. I was married for 24 years, had a familly and it began to grow. It's nice you and her were able to mutually benefit with you living there but now that you're ready to it's awesome! But like I said, don't forget about yourself. I got to hear so many stories I had never heard of, and I felt incredibly connected to my fatherand, unexpectedly, at peace with my grief. Would it make these adult children happier if their remaining parent curl up in a ball in the corner, wear black everyday and sit in the house the rest of their life? You would also have to charge your sister rent for living in the house, and you would eventually have to divide the house and your parents' other assets equally among your siblings. We consider ourselves nothing short of blessed to have met and enjoy each other so much. The trust has gone and the innocence. My mom passed in Jan. A recent widow called my dad in March.. Is it possible these people are sometimes looking for financial gain? Wow. Press question mark to learn the rest of the keyboard shortcuts. I fly down as often as I can but this last time he told me not to come down bc (girlfriend) will be there. He called me the next day and was surprisingly understanding about not forcing his relationship on me or making me watch home makeout with his girlfriend as he did in the hospital. I dont know why this hurts us so much. The day she passed, my dad, my uncle, my husband (then boyfriend), and I were there next to her as she took her last breaths. I suggested talking it out. One time he called me bawling when he got off of work because he picked up the phone and thought "I should call my wife to let her know I'm coming home." There is nothing as strong and pure as a mothers love for her children so take that thought and live the kind of life in your moms name that would reflect that truth. If he is not in a healthy relationship with you, how can he be in a healthy relationship with the girls? I mean moms been gone for 5 months now and I have to meet the new misses? You are responsible to your family: you, spouse and child. I know that there is a sense of family loss when your father or mother enter a friendship or more serious relationship with someone else. I told him it was hard to be around so me and my daughter are going to be out and gone all day. Know that there is someone in England who is thinking of you and hoping you find your way. I know it is selfish of me to feel this way and my dad deserves to be happy. That would not be my idea of telling those who are angry, devastated, confused and yes feeling it is wrong, disrespectful and hurting the very person you say you want to make happy in the end, DOES CLASS AND DECENCY RIGHT A BELL IN YOUR INCONSIDERATE AND SELFISH MIND? I simply have no interest whatsoever in this woman. My dad spends every waking minute with her when hes not working, and doesnt see me anymore and rushes me off the phone when I call him, and has almost completely quit calling me. Your money and time go to your new family. You shouldnt have to be at such a Situation! 20 minutes into our meeting she seemed stoned, or drunk. Every day I cant help but wish my mom were here. Do not live in the same painful place, allow yourself and your family to move on, to grow. He was just my moms friend and he was there for her which was ok with my brother and I. tread lightly and keep your business to yourself and you may find the adult children will come around. Her death came as a major shock to us. Since I cant get him on the phone in the evenings, I have to call him at work. He lives alone just waiting for her to phone or say she will visit him. It literally felt like a foreign body that antibodies were trying to flush out. I was 21. But turns out that my father wasnt receiving any of my text messages. He is only thinking of himself. There is a train and buses and a taxi driver who lives 2 doors down from my father. Most of the adult children of parents who are dating after a reasonable amount of time of the passing of a spouse, are in a mode of it is all about me and not about my parent. I was very upset with him, I told him they were only going to give them a couple hundred dollars, and that some of those rings belonged to my Moms side of the the family, and so he found out we were right but he sold the auction house two of them. documentaries Jan. 30, 2023. He was kind of a hermit. So basically I cant talk to him at all except shallow, general chit chat type of conversation. He is depressed because he has been abandoned by her and takes it out on me. Meanwhile we had actually gotten an apartment sept 25th & moved in that weekend. I wish people could see that jumping feet first into a relationship at an emotionally vulnerable time even if they think they are ready for it can have devastating consequences not only for the rest of the family but ultimately for themselves. I feel like I am alone in this, and it is very hard for me to be a grown up about it. And perhaps he will be aware of his insensitivity to you in addressing this lady by calling her Angel, etc. It has made my grandmas home a horrible memory now and I really dont know what to do cuz this just isnt right, thanks any suggestions appreciated. She is needy and always in our face. She will leave him for up to three weeks at a time without a visit. That i dont respect that she doesnt like the shampoo i buy her or the hand soap. Everyone needs someone, whether it is a best friend, a significant other or a sibling. You might find that if she is really messed up over this that she's letting things slide and fall apart. Are you my twin? You get to live your life. This sweep it under the rug and ignore it strategy goes against what I would like, because I feel it makes our relationships with my dad superficial, but Ive come to accept that a superficial relationship with him is better than no relationship at all. You have a duty and responsibility to those left behind whatever their age. It was the hardest thing I have ever gone through, me and her were so close. I feel like shes disrespectful to my mother for thinking that she can take over the house. If he thinks things will ever be the same he is mistaken.It is not a question of bearing a grudge or of forgiveness. She flat out told him that she did not want to hear about her, she wanted to know what he had been up to. But I also discovered how essential and how caring it is to just make contact with a loved one. Im sorry but she is not my mother and never will be. which is just so-true. He claimed that their marriage had been difficult for about 5 years and that my mother-in-law would treat him very badly when they were home alone. Ive always been close to both my parents, so to see my relationship with my father deteriorating due to his marriage hurts. Ironically, I spent the entire week with many of my wifes nephews and relatives in a camper and tents. And you children may not understand what we go thru. She never actually had to block it because after she went for my sister we all decided she was so unstable and volatile it was not safe for us to go. He always had too much work to do when she wanted to go somewhereto see her grandkids and children. It doesn't matter who your people are, just make sure you have them and you let them in. Adapted from a recent online discussion . Know that even if they fumble over the right words to say, or text you a meme when you were hoping for sincerity in that moment, that they love you, and are trying. I feel like she is trying to isolate him and Im playing right into as I voice my opinions to him. The first person who extended his arms was my ex-boyfriend Nick, who had been there when my dad was first diagnosed seven years prior. But the way that she did it was deceitful. You have a commitment to your family. You didn't agree to pay for her to be a SAHM. Nothing, not when , how, where, why, nothing. I only wish that they and others would stop confusing the love and devotion I had for my wife and have to her memory with moving forward and living life. I am, and have been, nothing but respectful to their home and family. I realize that I still am not ready to accept this & quite honestly dont think I ever will because I dont have to accept her into my life & I really dont want to. Wow Andrea. 2) this new woman existed Then he met the one we didnt, not because we didnt try because we did. Then we get an email from our dad on new policies of his home,on what we can do and cant do, to what bathroom you can use that is another story in itself. She doesnt even have a headstone on her grave yet. We get together once a week for dinner but even that lately seems like he is only doing that cause he has to not cause he wants to have dinner with me. Even I never expected his woman friend would be so callous as to abdicate all responsibility after 35 years of being together. I will say though, that as much as adult children need to be sensitive to and understanding of their parents companionship needs, the surviving parent must not force a friendship with the new woman in his life on his child. Now a word to those of you that think your dad or your mom or whoever is moving on too soon, and cite for evidence it has only been 2 years, or 5 months, or 1 year, or whatever. I have supported them all the way why cant they both respect my late mother my mom lets her wear my late mothers clothes sleeps here and at their condo it bothers me Im wrong to feel this way? The loss is still immensely painful. I want to also invite you to take some time for yourself. As much as I understand all this, I still find it so incredibly difficult to accept him dating. He constantly talks bad about my mom and then crys over my mom. My father nervously said, You know- this isnt a mail order bride situation or anything, you know and laughed nervously. We became extremely close with my father and spent countless nights in the living room together playing games. My father fawned over her and treated her like a goddess. My Mum died almost 2 years ago in Sept 2011. Dont try to justify it. Well, he gets back from the phillipines and just a few months later he lets me know that he is starting the process which takes 4-8 months for her and her two year old son to come here, and that they are going to get married. I was still uncomfortable, but slightly more accepting of the situation because (1) a little more time had passed since my mothers death, (2) the new girlfriend was actually my fathers age, and (3) at one point my father had said: Dont worry, she doesnt have any kids!. I just wanted to say thanks for posting your experiences because its nice to know that I am not alone. You must decide yourself. I understand that everyone needs someone, But i dont think it should be forced on the surviving kids/ relatives, at least not till their ready. It hurts, but we all must take a stand for what we truly believe is acceptable. I feel that the only way to achieve some kind of middle ground here, is to accept what is happening, support my Father-in-law in his happiness, and be positive for my husband and his siblings. I wish there was a Facebook group like this page, as much as I would love to talk to my friends about such a situation like the one I am in, I feel like none of them can relate. Oh how I wish I had found this website after my Mother passed,18 months ago. He then invites her to go with the family on our trip to Disneyworld. Im 14 and my mom passed away this year from breast cancer, and it was really hard on me because i was so close to my mom, not very close to my dad or brother. Does that sound like someone else making a choice over which I had no control? My Mom was coherent and had a her faculties to the end. Unless you are an orphan or have exiled yourself from your family, your choices do have an impact on family at all ages. Well, I overextended myself. He also warned that she might block access. Shortly after that, he asked us if we would have our children call her grandma. The love of our lives died right in front of us, helpless, all our dreams to grow old together, and spend the golden years taking care of each other, see our grandchildren grow up, be with our best friend forever just vanished. Dad has apparently lost his frugal mentality, He bought a new car, treats his girlfriend as if she can walk on water and does for her, all the things my Mom always wished for. I finally started having dinner myself on the Sunday after Thanksgiving and having them and my brother over. Dear Therapist, I know that everyone is going through loss during the coronavirus pandemic, but in the midst of all this, my beloved father died two weeks ago, and Im reeling. Our relationship is strained and I feel a double loss as someone mentioned in a previous post. My parents did everything with my husband and I. It is made all the harder for you because you feel this woman is unworthy and the relationship is too soon and too in your face. So its important not to get caught up in a trap of constantly comparing the two or making them a nemesis of one another when one is living and one is not. She has a man who does not call, care or as my mother begged him, wrote him and told him, when I die, please take care of our girls. So much so that even when you spent time alone with him, he wasnt really there in spirit. Never give up! He knew that I wasnt happy, but had no idea that it bothered me so much. This is a big reason why I hate when people say bad things in general about religion. I know that my dad harbors no ill will towards me for that. Did you ever think you would be grieving like you are? Though he was ready to enter into this relationship, the kids werent ready for it and its quick progression. I wanted to be there for him and was worried how he would live after being married to Mom for over 50 years. It definitly could be worse. I just want him to do things in a way to respects my mothers memory.thats all!!! We not only lost my mom this year, but we lost my grandma (his mother), my brother in law, and my aunt (his sister). I put in over a thousand miles this year preparing for a 500 mile bike ride across our state. Since then, my father has been the family rock. Ironic that what motivated me to try to forgive was the fact I did not want him to be alone. Dear carolyn: for novel coronavirus and that you need to crack the death. I guess I wrote this hoping to give a Dads perspective and ask that those struggling try to accept the new person in your life and get to know them enough to judge them as they are. My dad now has a girlfriend. What makes it so depressing is that every time the person is mentioned it is"John Doe, the deceased," Every ten words you're reminded the person is dead. I have basically lost my mother, father and sister who is too afraid to stand up to dad and have no parents. I want a relationship with my father and his wife, but unless we agree to put the past behind us, I dont think it can happen. Now he has found a lady friend, a very nice woman his age and of the catholic faith like him. I asked where is this all coming from he says he has the need for speed. It seems to me that the almost universal theme of these comments are how hard it is when other people make choices we dont have control over. So cheer up girls you could be dealing with multiple step families. My dad showed me photos of her modeling them for her. When I confronted him about it, he asked if I was on my period. My husband & his sisters were so close with her and their father. And the awkwardness of discussing my mom in front of her is almost unbearable but it is inevitable that my mom is going to come up because my daughter WILL know who her grandmother was. I'm really really close with my dad, so I can't imagine how you're doing right now. To make it worse my Dad moved 7 hours from all of us kids and we havent heard from him very often. No good way to treat it. We dont have a problem with him dating , its just who he is dating. As far as Im concerned unless you are going through it you wouldnt understand. My mom, like many of your moms, passed away from cancer (colon), in 2006. He had actually showed some sort of care for her. Before and after my mother passing from leukemia my father was dating and later married my mothers best friend from college. I lost my mother in 1995, i was 14 years old. Ever since we lost Mom, I have felt like I no longer belong in my family, and this just makes it worse. It's a standalone mini song. My mom died in 2005 and my dad went on a date 3 weeks later. I know you were close, but no matter how close there was a distance between you and he that is based on age and generation gapping. The ironic thing about this is, if heaven forbid, the lady he is dating now were to pass away, how long does SHE think it would be before he were dating a new one? We absolutely love one another. While they were gone I went to the house and the girlfriend had packed up a ton of my Moms things. Me & my sister who actually own the house these deadbeats are living in. I know it hasn't been a ton of time yet and obviously we are still going through the stages of grief, but I don't want my mom to just be completely miserable. I lost my husband last year. You spoke my thoughts exactly! I am now 48 and would like to share my story. Communicating with him is like trying to squeeze blood from a turnip. We havent had time to really adjust to Mom being gone and this only adds to the already devastating heartache. NTA. His whole personality has changed and I just cant adjust to it. I have learned and moved on, knowing I will never let this happen with my kids. It made the situation so much worse. That's what people do when they start their own families. She could care less. Your thing to do here is just be there for her. He tells me what a wonderful person she is, but I dont buy it, and neither do my sisters. Kobe bryant's death of death of her palliative care nurse for a whiskey-drinking. I LOST IT. If your dating this man is just that going to dinner, catching a movie, and someone to confide in. For most of them its the very least they can do considering that the mother did most if not all of the work related to the children. The getting into my dads house and rearranging personal stuff that is the thing that was worse than the fact that she existed. My kids will always be my priority but I need to be happy too.
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